This morning was the 6th workday morning in a row that I woke before my alarm. Not because I was full of energy and ready to take on life’s challenges, but because I had this cold, acidic feeling in my belly that I get when I remember something important hasn’t yet been done. Fear. Of failure, of embarrassment, of letting myself or my team down. Terrifying, paralysing, fear.
This feeling is painfully familiar to me. It’s what woke me every morning at 6am for the last 3 months of my undergraduate degree, telling me that I was going to FAIL if I didn’t get out of bed immediately and start studying. This feeling woke me a month before every major Taekwon-Do competition I competed in telling me I was FAT and needed to lose weight for the competitive category. Even though this feeling helps me to achieve objectives, it’s clear this feeling is not my friend.
Tim Urban speaks of the Panic Monster in his Ted Talk about Procrastination – how he is what rescues the average procrastinator from an important impending deadline. Mine seems to be malfunctioning. I seem to have a Nervous Breakdown Monster, that gets ready to jump off a cliff when it realises I haven’t yet completed a minor task! It’s not sustainable. It’s not healthy. I’m losing between 30mins to an hour of sleep every night. That doesn’t benefit anyone.
So far, I have been using different coping methods: taking Rescue Remedy, using Pranayama breathing, keeping a notebook beside my bed to brain dump mind junk, and, as a last resort, just getting up and starting my meditation and yoga process that bit earlier. But these are all reactive methods – I wish I could find a way to stop it happening in the first place!
Does anyone else experience this horrible feeling? How do you manage it?